I’m sitting at my desk and trying to think through a full sentence. Just any sentence that expressed how I feel right now. I mean I already said I feel tired and gross and less than important, and that feeling hasn’t really changed.
I guess the real thing for me right now is the fact that I’m trying to keep up my momentum. The last couple of years have been really difficult. I mean, tough not just for me, but, for the world, for the country, for my family – just all around craptacular.
This year I wanted to really dedicate myself to the creative pursuits that I’ve put off for decades. I really wanted to follow through on the things that I’ve dreamed out loud about doing since I was little. All these good intentions, but I am still frightened when I try to put my thoughts all together and have them form words leading to sentences to paragraphs to pages and pages.
I am frightened into inaction very easily.
Which is part of my problem right now. My initial thought when I started reading the leaked SCOTUS draft on Tuesday morning was that I needed to get back into the medical field and bust some doors and try to advocate more and more and give more and more. It isn’t a bad thought, and chances are I am going to get back into volunteering and escorting when able, but there is also this thing inside of me that has recognized that while my instinct may be to help and do helpful things, it is also me running away from my goals.
How do I continue to do the things for me that I promised myself I would do this year and continue to fight for reproductive rights for everyone? For me, this is one of those times where I recognize the choices I want to make as me trying to save everyone but me, and I’m a little freaked out by the fact that I recognized the pattern, and very very freaked out by the fact that I don’t quite know how to turn that desire off. Because I really do want to help, and if I spend too much time thinking of the ways that I can give of myself to others so that I can continue to ignore my own desires and needs I will just shut the door on myself with no hesitation.
For now, money to abortion funds is a place for me to start helping without turning my back on myself.
Recognizing my ignoring my own feelings and needs pattern is also helpful in helping me remember that I am not sure I can ever safely go back to the medical field.
Being aware that I can’t fix everything is also essential.
While this is very self-centered, and I am actively talking myself through my own emotional needs, I feel like offering the help I’m capable of instead of over committing and losing myself is a pretty good step. I guess as long as I’m allowed to have free thought and make some choices, I am going to do what I can to help others without giving up on myself.