Some Kind of Saturday

All right, so how do I begin?

Begin at the beginning, a very good place to start, right? Although I find it difficult to believe there will be any singing nuns at the end of this fucking story.

Why didn’t I listen to my grandmother and become a nun? I could’ve been a good nun. Well, aside from that doubting in higher organized religion and not being sure in the man upstairs stuff…but I digress.

Saturday started pretty much as it always does, I went to work. I worked. It was moderately boring, but I had plans to get off early, meet up with someone, see a movie and maybe hang out.

Well I got stood up, but I did get to see Twitch and Valium, which is always good, and I got to bum a movie off of them. The movie, Dot the I, ended up not being anywhere near as good as I wanted it to be, and then I had to face the prospect of being without reliable transport downtown all alone.

So I started feeling sorry for myself. Now, these are easily conquered things. I gathered myself up, I brushed myself off and I pretty much said, get the fuck over it, and I hopped on a bus. Now, I did call everyone I know in a desperate attempt to try and hook up with a buddy and maybe meet for some dessert and company. Sadly, it was a huge freaking bus ride and an algebra book for company for me.

But I did make it home, in one piece, but happy to be home, feeling if not popular and shiny, at least filled with the comforts of having a nice safe home filled with happy thoughts, good books, my loving three kittens and…wait, there were only two kittens greeting me at the door.

I don’t immediately panic. The kittens are not like dogs, they don’t always run to the door when I come home, but they usually greet me at the door. Also keep in mind I’m already feeling a bit dejected and having one of the cats not be there for me at that moment seemed HUGE, instead of it seeming like an oversight, it seemed a rejection. I go searching for kittens.

The two (Fate and Mischief) that greeted me at the door go with me. This is concerning. If there was no problem they would simply flop in the regular flopping spots and not worry about their missing brother. Perhaps he is in fact missing. I check the couches, no Chance kitten. I check my bed, no Chance kitten, the food bowl, the litter box, the library, no Chance kitten.

Now I am actually concerned. I open closets. I open every closed door. I begin to search in earnest. I open cabinets and drawers. I look under beds in every bedroom. Which is when I find problem number two. There is a pile of raunchy repugnant printed out porno under my son’s bed off the internet. I really have no time to think about it just yet as I’m searching for the cat. I gather it up, fold it up, and put it in my back pocket to deal with later and head back downstairs.

The Chance kitten is not in the house. I’m certain of it. I have opened fresh cat food, I have called and meowed for him, and he has not come out of hiding. I take a calming breath, and I think back to all the advice given to me in the past by Kash, the woman that gave me the kittens to begin with, should something like this happen. First, think of the last time you saw the cats, gather something that smells like you and put it on the doors.

While I’m gathering something that smells like me to put on the doors, and racking my brain to think of the last time I saw the cat, it occurs to me that the only time the cats go outside is to roll in the garden…they are truly indoor cats with access only to the garden. I climb over fence wall to one side, then the other, no sign of the cat. I then realize that since I’ve not seen the cat since I got home, perhaps mother saw him when she was home before she left for her night shift, as she is feeling better and is allowed back to work.

She answers the phone at work and tells me she was working in the garden and he might be in the shed. I open the shed and out shoots the dirtiest, angriest, happiest to be free Chance kitten. He runs straight to the house, eats, drinks, takes a poo, and then proceeds to purr against my thigh and explain to me the indignities of the shed.

First crisis averted.

Second crisis begins.

I still have a pile of wadded up repulsive porno in my back pocket that I found under my son’s bed. There are many many many many many many many things that can happen now, and none of them are good.

In fact I can’t think of a single thing that can come out of this situation that could possibly be good, end well, or be well. So I can tell you what I did and you can feel free to judge at your own leisure because I know what I did was wrong, because I can’t think of a single thing that would’ve been the right thing to do…not one single thing.

First off, this stuff was vile. The kind of porno that if it had been my boyfriend that had been in possession of the stuff we would’ve had a fight, a big ugly accusatory fight that would’ve had lots of hurt feelings involved. Now, since it is my son, and on one hand I’m like YAY what a normal stage of development I’m so thrilled he is developing sexual urges, and on the other hand the female part of me that is just spitting mad is furious to see the images he is developing sexual feelings towards, I can only say, I was at a total loss as to how to move forward.

I knew that I couldn’t talk to him about the stuff I’d found. There was a level of shame he would feel. There was no way I could say I found these things without being snooping mother, no matter how I found them. I also knew they weren’t going back. I wanted desperately to have a talk with him and know that he would know what I was talking about when I said ‘It is okay to have the feelings you have, but it is not okay to not have those feeling without respect’.

These are huge concepts, even for men twice his age with no disabilities.

So I was pretty sure what I wanted to do was destroy what I’d found and replace it with more respectful stuff and not confront him about it all. Which isn’t usually my style. I’m not passive about much, but I didn’t want to shame him, confuse him, or upset him.

It seemed like a stupid idea, and all you need to move forward with a stupid idea is someone else to agree with you, so I called The Boy’s dad. We talked. He pretty much agreed that given The Boy’s comprehension level as far as human interaction goes, he was pretty sure that any kind of talk other than the ones we’ve already had about the basics in the birds and bees department is going to confuse him further. He also came to the get rid of raunchy crap from under his bed and replace with tasteful stuff and not bring it up unless The Boy asked questions.

So we’d both reached the same conclusion. I shredded the computer porn, and quite possibly the most uncomfortable shopping expedition of my entire life, since shopping for my training bra, began.

I went out at eleven o’clock at night, with my ex, to a porn store, to buy tasteful, respectful pornography, for my son.

There is not much that compares to the indignity of having to go to not one, but two porno stores at eleven o’clock at night with the man that fathered my child and broke my heart on more than one occasion. Two stores because the first one no longer carries paper pornography due to the high theft rate of said item, and then when you get to the second porno store you have to discuss with the man that you broke up with over lack of sex in your own relationship the merits and flaws of the porn you are looking at.

Surreal doesn’t even begin to cover the situation.

Standing there, discussing the fact that I would rather go with the retro stuff because it had less bondage and silicone I realized I have indeed become queen of the pariahs. I had in the course of one Saturday been stood up, blown off, and I was probably breaking several social laws by providing my son with porno at that very moment. I was standing there with a man that had considered me unfuckable during our relationship discussing pros and cons of porn as though nothing was amiss.

I came home with my retro pack of porno; I hid it where The Boy’s stuff had been. I’m sure I’ve ruined him for life, but I’m doing the best I can, and that is about all I can do right now. Hopefully he won’t torture any bugs, kittens, or children because of some fucked up thing I did to him in his developing years.

All I need now is a tiara and I am truly Queen of the pariahs.

I have no idea if I’ve done the right thing. Just like I said to begin with, I have no idea what the right thing would’ve been, but the next time you see me on the bus, I’ll be the one with my head hung low and the tiara settled atop my head, perhaps askew, but definitely there.

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11 Responses to Some Kind of Saturday

  1. Joy says:

    We can go tiara shopping next time we get together, even tho you’re not as bad as you imagine. I have no idea what else you could have done, so no recriminations here. Lots of nervous laughter, but no recriminations. And indeed, a very normal step in the Boy’s development (yay!) but oooh, damn.

    And I would have loved seeing you, but you got on the scary bus before we got our game of phone tag done…

  2. Joy says:

    And totally glad Chance was found safely. It’s so scary when they go missing, and such a relief when they come home (or get found).

  3. Shayachern says:

    I am not sure what to say. Though Valium and I were kind of amused by the idea of the boy coming downstairs and asking you if you had swapped out his porn. ( only because we know and love you and can quite vividly picture this happening. )

    Since I am not a parent, I am not sure what I would do. However, I know that I would hope for a situation like this to lead to an open discussion on sex, pornography and what is and what is not appropriate. Let us know if we can help.

  4. Mariana says:

    I know how I would have felt if I came home and found that something that was mine had been destroyed, and something else was being imposed on me as a substitute for it: like a piece of shit. Embarassement would not cover what I would feel in that situation. Anger and disgust, feelings of having been violated in my rights and my privacy is more like it.

    Either one has private property, and what is one’s own is one’s own, or it isn’t. It’s a horrible, ghastly feeling to realize that nothing you thought was yours ever really was. That someone can just walk into your bedroom, search through your stuff (for whatever benign reason) and censure and for your benefit get rid of anything they disapprove off.

    Unless we were talking about something actually criminal, like a gun or a severed head or something, in my view you had no right to do what you did.

  5. Celtzo says:

    Knowing what I do about the boy, his habits and whatnot, I think that your course of action was probably a good alternative to a potentially misunderstood direct confrontation. I’m not his mother, in fact, I’m no one’s mother, but I might, at a later, perhaps less embarrassing, point, talk with him about “good” porn (worship, beautification, exploration) vs. “bad” porn (exploitation, abuse, etc.).

    As far as the privacy issue, you are his mother. He lives in your house, by your rules. You afford him privacy, but its also up to you to keep an eye on him, and it’s not like you were purposely snooping through his room looking for it.

  6. LadyLitBlitzin says:

    Wow, that is quite a Saturday! I’m so glad you found the kitten… too bad you found something else!

    I know nothing about parenting but I think that what you did was really very fair and reasonable — I wholeheartedly agree with the commenter who said he is your son and living under your roof. I would also hope that it would maybe bring up a conversation about what is respectful and what is not. (Meanwhile, I think it’s great that you didn’t just yell and scream and forbid — a lot of parents would have taken that tactic!)

    BTW, having bought porn for gags on a few occasions… my local Tower Records carries it in a special section that is cordoned off (how well they police it for underage, of course, may be doubtful). But, I have found that I feel more comfortable going there then maybe going to a porno store… then again, I’m sure you are not exactly having a hankering to make a trip like that again!

  7. girlzoot says:

    Joy – I would love a tiara, and apparently because you and I are the only ones on At&T is the only reason my call got through to you…thanks for being willing to come down to get me, but by the time you got downtown I would’ve been home anyway. I am also glad I found the kitten as well.

    Shay – As amused as you are by the visual of the boy coming down to the dining room with the swapped out porno is probably not as amusing as when it happened last night – more on that later. I thought of the two of you when out shopping and fought the urge to really confuse The Boy and toss in a little boy on boy mag with the straight stuff. Resisted strongly. I did get the open discussion, I just had to wait a couple of days and set up the situation so that it could happen. Thanks for the offer of help.

    Mariana – at first it really hurt to read your comment. I mean it really hurt. Then I started thinking about it, and I know that it was a totally valid reaction. I know that had I been in my son’s shoes at his age I would’ve responded in much the same way you speak of…I would’ve been hurt and furious with a parent that took my things and swapped them for something else. Then I started thinking about him, and how he has developed and the situation as it developed. My son is different than I was at that age, different than you were (I’m assuming) and his situation calls for different responses. You don’t know everything about me, or him, or how things have developed up until this point. What is done is done, and I would do it the same again, and now that things have turned out positively, I’m glad I did things the way I did. So judge if you want, but keep in mind that not every situation is going to be exactly black and white and play out to how you would have felt.

    Celtzo – Worship porn? Do you have some of this stuff? Where does one even get worship porn?

    LLBlitzin – Good use of the word hankerin’! At the time I think I was in such a total freak out funk that I had no idea how to move forward and we just picked whatever was close. I did get a positive talk last night with the boy, and he is still confused, but on the path to understanding more. I will have to keep Tower in mind next time.

  8. Mariana says:

    The first conversation we had was precisely about what is OK and what isn’t when you’re a parent. And we both agreed that respecting the rights of your children is basic — their right to make up their own minds about such important stuff as religion, politics, who they want to marry, etc; and naturally one’s sexual preferences.

    If your son was watching criminal porn — the kind of porn that is made by trampling over human rights (rape, non-consensual violence, pedophilia, etc) it would be your duty as a parent to explain to him that this was unacceptable, and why. The proper reaction would not be to throw it away and pray to god you never had to have a talk to him about it.

    If the porn was not illegal, but merely expressed a sexual preference different from your own (apparently it was about consensual S&M, something that is not illegal and that lots of people of both genders like) then you had no right to try and impose your personal preferences on your son. Not any more than your mother would have the right to try and re-educate you into being straight instead of bisexual. What you are is what you are and you of all people should respect and accept people’s nature.

    Now you’re saying that your son was glad to find new images of porn that don’t include violence, that he actually prefers it that way. Fine, so you both share the same preferences. The point is if he did like rough sex it would still be his right, and trying to re-educate him would be just as disrespectful as if he was gay and you wanted him to look at girls instead to change.

    Not only did you try to make him change, but you told absolutely everyone in his life about his porn and what was in it: you told it to his family, your friends, me, anyone who reads you blog, basically. With what right did you make his privacy public? Whatever made you think it was ok to tell everyone something he, like most people, had preferred to keep secret? You took that right away from him as well.

    I wasn’t judging you because I wasn’t thinking of you in this case. It was of your son and his right to dignity that I was thinking about. I’m sorry that someone who chooses to speak out for your son’s right’s must in the process end up hurting your feelings. That’s not how things should be, ever, and that alone should be enough to give you pause.

  9. girlzoot says:

    He does have the right to make up his own mind, but one thing has to be understood, much as you’ve lived with your husband and understand him and know how to say and do thing to get a certain reaction from him, I know how to say and do things to get a certain reaction from my son.

    He is unable to lie, and his secrecy, his privacy is nearly non-existent because of this. The privacy he has now is because of a wall we as a family have created around him. If he were an average child, not an autistic one, I imagine this situation would’ve gone radically differently.

    It had never been my intention to ever avoid a discussion with him; it had been my intention to spur his curiosity to cause a confrontation from his end. If I confront him he feels shame. If he confronts me he feels a certain amount of power on his own and then I still get the same result, a talk about sex, and a talk about pornography. Yes it is manipulative, but all parenting is manipulative by nature, I am molding a person into an adult.

    It was rape-based pornography. I did explain to him why it was unacceptable. I didn’t do it in the way you thought was direct and okay, I did it in the way that I thought would cause him the least amount of shame and perhaps guide him towards something a little more helpful and careful. I also know that it was most likely something that just caught his eye and he printed on impulse. I don’t think he went searching for the stuff. I know because when we did talk, I asked, and he said it was just something he saw and printed it out. I refer once more to the fact that while he can omit as an autistic, he cannot outright lie.

    To say suddenly that now he and I have the same preferences is a huge leap. What I wanted was for him to have the tools to shape his own sexuality without shame. To know he can come to me with questions, that he doesn’t have to fumble about in the dark while trying to piece things together. I wanted to give him the building blocks of his sexuality, non-threatening building blocks. Kind of a primer of porno, my first porn book if you will. I’m sure I did it wrong, but I did what I could. He and I will never had the same sexual preferences, I can only steer him towards what I hope is a healthy respect for the people he will interact with sexually in the future.

    Okay so it is okay for me to tell the cute stories about when he doesn’t want to brush his teeth or have his toe surgery, but when it gets into his sexuality now suddenly I’ve violated his privacy? Any story I tell about my son is a violation of his privacy, all of them. Every time I type about anyone in my life is technically bighting the bullet and hoping no one in my life won’t be offended that I talked about him or her. I take that risk. Every story I tell about every event I type here on my blog is something that someone might have wanted me to keep a secret. Just because it has to do with his pornography suddenly makes it more sensitive? I take the risk all the time. I pretty much ask everyone in my life if it is okay if I tell stories about them, and they all have limits that I don’t talk about. Even my son has asked me to not talk about one thing, and I never have talked about that one thing. Strangely, the pornography isn’t the most embarrassing thing in his life.

    You don’t need to take the job of speaking out for my son’s rights, his grandmother does that daily, she is a powerful advocate and she has the advantage of being here. I do however appreciate all the thinking you have inspired me to do in this situation. Because things went so well I don’t imagine I would’ve thought as much about this situation otherwise. So thank you for that at least.

  10. Mariana says:

    I must make it more clear, that what I said was that you were relieved to find that your son, like you, also preferred porn that was non-violent. Whether he shares your bisexuality or not is yet another detail of his sexuality that is his private matter, and not yourts for you to disclose to other people.

    The reason why I know it was indeed a breach of his privacy is because, according to you, he kept his porn well hidden, in his room, under the bed. That shows to him it was something private. Therefore it wasn’t your decision to make it public, as you unfortunately did.

    It’s perfectly natural for you to not like hearing criticisms, especially when it comes to how you raise your own son. Who likes criticisms? One insincere compliment is much more pleasant to hear than a dozen constructive criticisms. That’s why I usually keep my criticisms to myself. People don’t change and it only upsets them. But in this case, like I said, for once I wasn’t thinking about protecting your feelings or your pride. I was thinking of protecting your son. And if it’s true I had very little hope I would be able to do that, you never know. There might be someone reading this conversation that may one day find herself in a similar situation to yours. And maybe what I said will influence how she handles the situation, hopefully for the better. So I thought, and still do, that it was important to speak my mind.

    I don’t doubt for a second of your love for your son. Everything most parents do (including their huge, huge mistakes) they do in the name of their love for their children, with their happiness in mind. Otherwise they wouldn’t do it. It just so happens that in this case, and for all the reasons I have given, it was IMO a mistake.

    One’s sexuality is indeed more of a private matter than, say, what one likes to have for breakfast, or one’s favorite activities in school. Just like it would be ok for you to walk down the street with your son, but not if he was naked — in the same way it’s ok to talk about lots of things about his life, but not about his sexuality. That is indeed a private matter that concerns him alone and when you exposed it to everyone in his life and to total strangers on your blog, you took a liberty that wasn’t yours to take.

    It turns out you were not welcome to criticisms on this aspect of your life. Yet another reason why you should have kept it private. Like you, I find there are some things that I am not prepared to talk about, and not all of them shameful. Sometimes it’s just things that I find precious and special, and that I want to keep safe from the public eye. If you were not prepared to have the contents of your post criticized in an objective, and civilized way (as I hope I have done) it would have been more logical to simply not post about it at all, or disable the comments. The fact that you were hurt by my reaction and resent my opinion only goes to show one again what a mistake it was to expose something you don’t want to see being judged to the public’s opinion.

  11. Celtzo says:

    Hmmmm.. worship pron.. oops… wrong audience… porn.

    I do not have any of this myself.. I would share if i did. To clarify, I meant porn that glorifies the body and/or activities it is showing, rather than degrading. Of course, now I have several bad images in my mind (bad, naughty me), what with the new Pope and all, and I think I have to go to confession for comtemplating the combination of Porn and Worship in a religious context. Or go read Song of Songs.

    Does anyone know if there are examples of jesus/iconograph porn? I’m ont particularly interested myself, just curious. Especially after seeing the new version of Reefer Madness last weekend.

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