I wanted desperately to begin 2015 with a fresh start! I wanted more exclamation points in my year!
I’m going to be starting grad school. I’m starting a pretty hardcore eating change and work out regime. I have all these things that I’m excited about, but also a little trepidatious. I’ve been looking at 2015 as this gigantic thing that I would have to start fresh and clean.
But I don’t. I don’t have to start fresh and clean, because I’m not going to suddenly be a different person because I’m starting different things. I’m always going to be me. I am the sum of my parts, I am the memories from yesterday, I am still just me. Of course that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.
No of course what that means can be something new. I just have to remember to keep all of the times from before in mind as I start to make lasting changes. Thinking on a fresh start and making changes in my life doesn’t have to mean forgetting. Every single thing that came from before follows me into 2015. I need to remember all of me to change me. There are times in the past when I’ve tried to leave everything behind, tried to forget mistakes and be something else.
Those are the times that I usually fail. Fail at change, fail at acceptance, fail at being the me I want to be every day.
2014 is needed to make 2015 better. 2013 is needed so I can remember how much I have changed. All the years, all the time, all of me from before has to follow me into 2015. Of course that doesn’t mean I have to make the same destructive choices. I think that may be what is behind a fresh start, remembering what I am and what I’ve done so that I can make good choices and change the destructive part of myself.
Maybe I can just have all the exclamation points as part of my fresh start without all the ignoring of the past. Or maybe I can just start fresh remembering that fresh doesn’t have to mean leaving everything to rot in my past. I think there is some history is doomed to repeat itself here, but I remain optimistic that remembering my history makes it harder to repeat it.
At least, that is what I’m going with for 2015!