I always thought the bullshit that people never saw aging coming was just that, bullshit. I mean how do you not know that you are getting older? Time continues to pass, it hasn’t slowed down, we are still spinning on the earth, and we are still watching the days pass by and collect into weeks and months and years.
How can you look at yourself all of a sudden and realize you’ve aged, when there is no way that could’ve just happened overnight? I always thought it was just a bunch of crap.
But I keep looking in the mirror, and I can’t believe how old I am now. I can’t believe how time keeps passing and I keep staying the same. I have wrinkles, and I have stories that go back decades, but I still can’t believe how much time has passed and how old I’ve become.
I look at my loose and wobbly elastic face and I’m shocked not just by how old I am, but by how little I’ve accomplished. Maybe that is the real problem with everything regarding time. Maybe the real problem is that I haven’t gotten as much done as I wanted twenty years ago, and now I just feel like I can’t do anything else in the next twenty years.
I mean I logically know that isn’t true at all. I know that. But twenty years ago I imagined my life drastically different. Now that I look at my aged and wrinkled face and force myself to evaluate these last twenty years, logic sort of fails me. I don’t regret my journey, there are parts I would love to re-do, but regret can’t be a part of something that gave me so many good things. But what happens next? Do I think that time will surprise me again in another twenty years? Do I think I can do anything new or different in the next twenty years?
Am I really surprised by the time that has passed? Or am I really surprised that I just noticed I’m not who I thought I would be? So is it time we forget, or is it the dreams we had about the future what we forget? Maybe it is a conglomeration. I look at my face and I know that I have the exact same life, and I know that I have lots of options, but when I look at my face it isn’t the same face that dreamed big all those years ago. Inside of my skull I still have big dreams and plans and ideas, but the face outside the skull is not even remotely the same.
I’m aware time has changed me, I just never thought it would leave my thoughts so fluid, and my body so brittle.