It is clear that more time alone and more time at home are not what was keeping me from writing.
Fear. Fear is clearly what has been keeping me from writing. I am not even certain that what I am doing right now is writing, but it is my first kind of step toward dealing with some of my fears.
I am sitting here in my house, I have music, I have books, I have animals to cuddle with, and to be honest I have all the things that I love. I haven’t interacted with a person I wasn’t related to in a little over a week.
I am sitting here tired and unsure and don’t know why I want to start blogging again. Other than the very simple fact that I am so insecure and weird I need to talk everywhere. Okay, that might be just the harsh part of me trying to talk me out of doing any of this stuff, but I do kind of want to start blogging again.
When I initially started this blog, it was a simple and easy place to say weird things and push them out into the world. Now I have Facebook and Instagram and Tumblr and Twitter – oh so very much Twitter. With all of these places to say something small and ridiculous, why come back to blogging to express myself? Blogging is like the old windbag telling long-form stories in the tiny bites world.
So why bother?
Because, and this is mostly me talking to me here because I need to become comfortable expressing myself with words again. I’ve been distancing myself from words for a really long time. I’ve been squishing parts of me into easy to carry boxes for a long time. I have been smothering anything I liked about me for a long time.
In the last six months though, I’ve had a lot of things happen to me, and in dealing (and not dealing) with all of these things I’ve realized that I would like to stop being cruel to myself and attempt to be kind to myself. Self-care for me has almost always involved words. Reading books, telling stories, writing letters, playing word games, writing, or just plain journaling. Words=Self-Care for me.
As social distancing makes a ton of us feel itchy and crazy, as the economy eats itself, and as the planet burns, now is as good a time as any to be nice to me and try to put more words together, more often.