Anxiously Attempting

The problem for me with having no job AND being asked to shelter-in-place and social distance is the choices.

I can do anything. I can do almost anything. I can do a lot. Well okay, I can do a large variety of things and I’m overwhelmed by anxiety and fear and my brain has no space or capability to decide amongst the variety of things I can do and it all just seems enormous.

That is where I’m sitting right now, living large on my options and trying to decide what the fuck I’m even doing. What am I doing? Why am I just sitting here in soft clothes, watching YouTube, and having small mental breakdowns every day?

I mean, I know why. I get the reasons I am at home, I’m not a fucking idiot. Social Distancing is for safety, it is for care and maintenance of our society. I get that, I know that. I think it is more that I am unsure of what I am doing because I have no idea what comes next in my life. In anyone’s life. In general, I basically have no idea what tomorrow or the next day might be like.

I know that there is never really a guarantee that anyone knows what will happen tomorrow, and we are all supposed to just act like today is the last day of the rest of our lives and all those other upbeat fucking things that we tell ourselves to make it through – but there is no way that is even remotely sustainable. Plus, even if I live each day as if there is no tomorrow when you are legitimately terrified there may not be a tomorrow, how do you overcome that terror and just live?

Basically, when the world, the society, the future seems to be on a delicate precipice, how do I continue to care enough to get up and exist? Which seems dark, and these kinds of thoughts are probably part of why I should make a choice from my distraction options and lose myself to these kinds of anxiety spewing thoughts.

On that note, I am going to start a D&D campaign, watch some more YouTube, donate what little money I have that can help the people that have even less, and I am going to make it through the day.

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