Practicing, 365s, Habits

Have you ever gotten up in the morning and forgotten why you even bothered? I mean I know that habit is usually why anyone does anything anymore. The world is pressing in on all sides, there is still a pandemic, wars are raging, and still, we get up. We get up and try to give three lousy shits enough to make it through the day to help maintain the life we are living. It is dark and it is grim, but it is where we are right now at least. Or where I am right now at least.

Years and Years and Years ago I thought I would be something special. I thought all the times that people told me I was special and interesting knew what they were talking about, and I would be something worthwhile. That didn’t really work out. People still tell me I am special and smart and interesting, but I am not what I imagined I would be all those years ago. Now, when I think it over, I am not sure anyone was ever or could ever be what I imagined I would be all those years ago.

Which is to say, I have tried repeatedly to stand out and be amazing, and honestly, I have tortured myself if I was even a little bit less than fantastic. This means I have tortured myself for a long time for a lot of things. A lot of things.

This brings me here. Sitting in front of my laptop in the family office/library/cat room/art space and trying to figure out why I’m doing something so remarkably unhelpful and stupid. What is the unhelpful thing I am doing? I am writing. I am writing and trying to express my feelings because it is the only thing that has ever soothed me the way that people say that things soothe them. I am writing because I feel grounded. I am writing because I have tortured myself so much for all of my stupid mistakes over the last several years and I’ve been strangling the part of me that wanted to write for that entire time. I want to breathe.

Now, why is it unhelpful and stupid? Because there is a pandemic on. Because there are wars on. Because the climate is changing so fast we are likely all going to drown in our houses before anyone makes any legitimate changes. I guess it is unhelpful and stupid because the part of my brain that wants me to suffer and be sad and miserable says I should be doing something tangible. I should be saving the kittens at the shelter, I should be protesting more, I should be a crusader and be actually good instead of doing something selfish for me.

But I’m going to do the stupid and unhelpful thing anyway. I am more relaxed right now than I have been in months. Just from typing. Maybe it is just typing that relaxes me? Maybe. But I’m going to type and I’m going to write, and I’m going to see what happens.

I can’t solve every problem that I see and care about, but I can get up in the morning and stop forgetting about myself and stop hating everything I think and do every day. I am not sure I will suddenly stop forgetting why I got up, but I think I may find it a little easier to come up with the shits I need to give to make it through the day.

With that in mind, I will be doing a 365 project because I love them. I am looking at a 365 Haiku, 365 doodles, and 365 letter project. I’ve sort of done all these before. I’ve written lots of haiku before, and one of my favorite poet friends did an entire year of haiku several years ago that was amazing, so I’m going to try and capture some of that amazing for myself. The doodle is to keep the healing art stuff in my life and on my calendar as it is so often the thing sacrificed. I have also written more letters than I can even put a number to, but depression and the thought that I had nothing but bad news to share during these pandemic days have kept me from letters. I just miss them.

I am also going to start just writing anything that strikes my fancy as part of my intention to practice more writing to see if I can actually write out some of the stories I’ve been building in my head for years and years. I am also going to try writing about a book series that I’ve been collecting since I was younger and see if I can justify all these book purchases I’ve made over the years.

Basically, I’m going to try and clean up my little piece of life and make myself feel better and see how it goes for me.

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