There are these moments when you look at who you are and what you want and you wonder how you got to where you are today. The simplest thing can put your world into perspective.
I’m not usually a fan of perspective. I prefer to live in my shuttered denial packed life. I mean it is warm and comforting in a world filled with denial, you are already dressed for bed because you aren’t dealing with the world anyway today. Then perspective strides in and opens up all the windows and tells you to get off your freaking ass and leave your house. Freaking buzzkill. I’m not a huge fan. But every once in a while perspective will show up with the mighty sidekick epiphany and I have to leave my room and my shell and look around and come to terms with shit I’m not really up for at the time.
Monday night I had a date. It was my first date in a couple months, and it was not the biggest disaster that has occurred since my last monogamous relationship, but it was not exactly a ringing success either. The big thing is not whether it was a success or not, the big thing is that perspective was gained, and I learned about myself.
For the last couple of years I’ve felt really stupid about my last committed relationship. It started strangely, it ended strangely, the middle was pretty strange, and for the most part I’ve just felt like an idiot about all of it for the last couple years.
The first year after I was really sad and felt idiotic and people kept trying to set me up on blind dates to make me feel better. These were horrible dates, everything from a woman that was aroused when I would cry (super creepy) to a guy that spent an hour talking bad about what I was majoring in before asking me what I was majoring in (just rude).
The second year I felt idiotic and was repulsed by the idea of dating. During this time I was asked out by a couple of really sweet people, and looking back I feel really bad for not being kinder. There was an incredibly pleasant French African guy that I think I was terribly unkind to because I was repulsed by the idea of human interaction.
Then last year, the third year of being alone I felt idiotic and became really rough about the whole idea of what I wanted. I talked to a friend of mine and basically said at one point all I really want is to meet up with someone once a week for something filthy and unpleasant, they would go away, and everyone would be well compensated. He basically shut me down and said I was screwed for not having that kind of disposable income or that kind of heart or a bevy of boy whores in my town. Stupid logic, stupid emotional self, stupid inequality of the sexes when it comes to cheaply available sordid sex.
As this year started, I just decided to not feel idiotic anymore. Not for any particular reason, just ya know “let it go dude”. As this year started I looked at my life and decided alone is fine. I have excellent friends, I have a purpose, I don’t need to feel idiotic or let others try and match me up.
Alone is good.
Deciding it, and having it happen are two very different things.
In addition to this young man that I went out with on Monday, I’ve had several things happen the last couple of months since I made my brave declaration that alone is good that indicate the universe is laughing at me. The universe is laughing, and so are perspective and that bitch of a sidekick, epiphany. They are all in some bar just giggling over all the people that think they are happy and okay and how they are going to skew their lives.
Because the truth is alone is good, and I am happy, and I don’t picture things going anywhere with this young man from Monday. He is more a long list of things I do not want than things that I do, but now that I have some perspective on the whole thing, being alone is good, but it isn’t going to happen. I like people, and it appears for whatever reason they like me.
Now to go about figuring out how to make this all into something that works for me instead of something that is laughing at me.