Snow at the Window, and a Short List

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A list of reason, in no particular order, of why I always hesitate or cringe when people suggest I go online to sign up for dating services.

  • You have to write an “about” on those stupid online things.  This may seem small and petty, but I hate it like poison every time I have to do it.  Dating is so stressful, and the about online is kind of like writing a tiny resume for people to peruse and judge you online.  Fuck that business.  I am not someone that people gravitate to normally, I grow on a person through humor and exposure, like mold in a petri dish.  They sure as hell aren’t going to be like ooo, she is sexy and likes writing letters.
  • I take a long time to get to know, but am strangely forward.  Not the easiest thing when it comes to dating.  People can know me for years and not know shit about me, but then people can know me for like five minutes and know way too much about me, creepy and strange.
  • I come off as brash, but can be very shy, I really like sex, but have a lot of body shame, and short of writing that sentence in a profile and attracting a series of creeping creepers that want to exploit my issues I honestly have no way of saying – “Hey I’m nervous and would like to be treated like a person and not just another audition.”  I think online dating is supposed to come with the basic knowledge that we are all nervous and human, but supposed to and reality rarely match up in the dating world.
  • I’m a nerd.  I know that there are tons and tons and tons of sites out there that cater to the nerd, but I would really like to find a nerd that is okay with the fact that I don’t share all the same nerdly pursuits they do, and that is okay.  The last time I looked at a nerd dating site there were nerds looking to mate with other nerds in specific cliques in a constant species selection that seems to me will lead to some kind of Sharks and Jets nerd dance off that I believe will bring a sad Maria nerd asking about how many bullets are left in the gun.  Or maybe not, maybe we can all live in nerd peace and I just happen to find anyone interested in the same stuff as me and I’m just a lonely bitter bitch.  Option two is the most likely.
  • Competition makes me feel dizzy and a little sick.  I mean if we are all competing to win a game, that is fun and everything.  If we are competing to mate, bleah.  Not that being online flipping through potential dates like they are toys in a catalogue is at all like competing so much as it is like shopping for some kind of treat to fill the emptiness.  I’m not good at knocking someone over to get the last treat on the shelf.
  • I have a child.  Well not really a child.  I have an adult.  I have an adult son with Asperger’s.  I know, stop with the sexy.  I’m not really interested in having other kids, plus I’m approaching a certain age where it really isn’t safe for me to even think about having more kids.  Plus I always carry this fear that I screwed something up and am the one that caused my son to be different, why would I do that to another kid.  So, yeah, how do you put all that on a profile and not come off as a freaking mess?  Short answer, you don’t.
  • Most of the time I’m really okay being single.  I have good friends.  I have a good family.  I get out more and more, and things are good in my life, but when I am lonely, it is crushing, so very very very crushing.  I think this is the big reason I don’t do online dating.  Because in the middle of the night as I look at online profiles, what if I make a fake story that we are happy and then send an email and start a correspondence and then in the bright morning when my life seems a lot less lonely I meet up with someone and realize my late night person has terrible terrible kind of terrible taste?  Do I really want to know that about myself?  Not really.
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