Totally What’s Happening
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The Stuff From Before
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Tag Archives: self-portrait
There are so many things that I want to leave behind in 2015. My life, my world, my self are not changed just by a change in the date. I know that. I am aware of that. But I’m also aware of the fact that after a year of feeling miserable and worthless, any kind of positive vibe is a welcome vibe.
When I doubt myself, when I doubt everything else around me, I know that I have two grey kittens that will cuddle and love me. Love me no matter how I feel about myself or about others. Two grey kitties that love to steal my pillows and put their paws in my ear.
That is love/
What are you doing today? Are you making any kind of sense? Are you even trying?
Usually I make no sense. I do nothing that makes any sense. But if you don’t make sense over and over and over and over again, does that mean your lack of sense creates a way of making sense? Or just a way of going in circles?
What am I doing today? When do I make any kind of sense? Does circling the self-doubt drain count as trying?
I always thought the bullshit that people never saw aging coming was just that, bullshit. I mean how do you not know that you are getting older? Time continues to pass, it hasn’t slowed down, we are still spinning on the earth, and we are still watching the days pass by and collect into weeks and months and years.
How can you look at yourself all of a sudden and realize you’ve aged, when there is no way that could’ve just happened overnight? I always thought it was just a bunch of crap.
But I keep looking in the mirror, and I can’t believe how old I am now. I can’t believe how time keeps passing and I keep staying the same. I have wrinkles, and I have stories that go back decades, but I still can’t believe how much time has passed and how old I’ve become.
I look at my loose and wobbly elastic face and I’m shocked not just by how old I am, but by how little I’ve accomplished. Maybe that is the real problem with everything regarding time. Maybe the real problem is that I haven’t gotten as much done as I wanted twenty years ago, and now I just feel like I can’t do anything else in the next twenty years.
I mean I logically know that isn’t true at all. I know that. But twenty years ago I imagined my life drastically different. Now that I look at my aged and wrinkled face and force myself to evaluate these last twenty years, logic sort of fails me. I don’t regret my journey, there are parts I would love to re-do, but regret can’t be a part of something that gave me so many good things. But what happens next? Do I think that time will surprise me again in another twenty years? Do I think I can do anything new or different in the next twenty years?
Am I really surprised by the time that has passed? Or am I really surprised that I just noticed I’m not who I thought I would be? So is it time we forget, or is it the dreams we had about the future what we forget? Maybe it is a conglomeration. I look at my face and I know that I have the exact same life, and I know that I have lots of options, but when I look at my face it isn’t the same face that dreamed big all those years ago. Inside of my skull I still have big dreams and plans and ideas, but the face outside the skull is not even remotely the same.
I’m aware time has changed me, I just never thought it would leave my thoughts so fluid, and my body so brittle.
Since being in the hospital, I’ve had several ups and downs, and I’m riding an up right now. Even today at work with a crappy long long day with lots and lots of unpleasant phone work happening, I just kept going and it was totally okay.
I got home and I felt like laying in a ball and not working out and in the mail was this postcard for a race that I did a couple years ago and was considering doing again this year. It was a gentle reminder to maybe not go whole hog at the work out universe, but to at least do a bit of a walk around the neighborhood. There are these lovely lights all around one certain houses. They are gentle little reminders of the brightness of the holidays that can be soft lights or they can be flashing craziness. All over the neighborhood in the dark letting you know you are surrounded by people that you don’t really know. How amazing is that, people surround you, and we all sort of agree to live in a organized sense of politeness. We don’t have to do that, but we do, we move in, and we say sure to living in this neighborhood and not being overtly nuts.
For dinner we had take-out, it was a busy day for everyone and no one felt like cooking. The food was so delicious and spicy. I had extra veggies, mmmm with the mushrooms. I just sat there looking at my delicious spicy food, and I thought about the last couple of days of vacation, and I’m deliriously happy right now. It is unusual for me, and I’m not sure I really trust the feeling. But it is so nice, so nice to just enjoy my food, like going for a walk, and look at my family and friends and know that my day is a good day. For now it is enough to know that things are well in my life, and tonight I will go to bed happy.
Today is beautiful and I feel so happy!
I have a kitten – two kittens! It is the life of luxury!
I have a great family.
I have fantastic friends.
I sometimes am brave enough to leave the house.
I did yoga today!
I totally did everything on my list for today!
Yay Yay Yay for December.
I feel so optimistic here at the end of the year.